Learning from my mistakes

My two sons are beginning a week's crash course in swimming this morning. For my eldest, this has produced a high level of anxiety. Although confident in familiar conditions, he finds new situations much harder to handle. He has a deep dislike of the possibility of being the centre of attention, so he hates to be the new one in a group or to arrive late for any event. Last night he was telling me that he had changed his mind and did not want to have swimming lessons at all. I told him that I wouldn't force him to go but that I hoped he would and that we would discuss it this morning. He was feeling much better about it today and articulated his reasons for not wanting to go. These were:

1. He has too much other stuff he'd rather do at home and that he felt it would be a waste of his time.
2. He is shy.
3. It might be too hard for him as he isn't always a good swimmer.
   

I listened and then we talked together. He liked the idea that I would read him a chapter of 'Treasure Island' while we sat through his brother's lesson so it would be time well spent. I reminded him that he is getting much better at managing his unease and tolerating the uncomfortable feelings of newness and shyness when he has a new teacher in order to reach the familiarity that follows. Also, he is in an 8+ non-swimmer class. I told the people at the pool that he is, in fact, a competent swimmer but they felt that it was best to start in an easy class and they would move him up if necessary. Thus I have every confidence that he won't struggle.

The very act of talking it through seemed to greatly improve his mood. He did in fact have 4 reasons for not wanting to go, but at the end of all this, neither of us could remember the last one! I have promised him that we will discuss again this afternoon whether he will go the rest of the week.

It has been a long journey for both of us to reach a point ewhere he will try out new classes and I am able to tolerate his angst without trying to coerce him into joining in. Three Summers ago he was booked in to a week of trampolining classes, having enjoyed trampolining at the leisure centre in weekly classes the term before. He was a little nervous of the first session and my mother-in-law took him as I wasn't able to. He came back adamant that he didn't like his teacher and didn't want to go back. I took him the next day to try and sort things out and to let the coach know how my son felt. The teacher was rude and abrupt. He told me that all Home Educated children find it hard to settle with new teachers and that he would only shout at my son if he did something dangerous. During the class he reduced at least one child to tears.

Oh, how I wish that I had told this man that I thought his attitude was unacceptable and his manner with the children bullying. How I wish I had complained to the management. Instead, I tried to tell my 6 year-old son that sometimes you have to work with people you don't like and he needed to get on with it. I will spare you the grisly details of the shouting, browbeating mother and the crying, distressed child but I reaped what I had sown in the following year. As I mentioned in this post, it took him weeks to feel confident enough to join in his Gym classes, to which he is about to return for the fourth year. It was at this time in his life that his worry and apprehension levels had reached new heights and he suffered with real separation anxiety for over a year. At one point he would check that I was still in the house every 5 minutes or so if he couldn't hear me moving about. He has always been the most highly strung of my children, partly, I believe, due to a fairly traumatic first week of life but also this event made it so much worse.

I have since told him how much I regret this incident and what I wish I had done. I hope he has been able to hear the lesson I have tried to teach with hindsight, that it is ok to say if he is not comfortable with a particular adult and that I will protect him and support him. I hope he really knows that he is safe to tell me this afternoon if he really does not want to continue with lessons and that, despite my internal frustration at money spent and an opportunity to improve passed over, I will support that decision without coercion.

Wish me luck!