I am finding it hard not to feel rejected. In a very real and concrete way, I have been. I put myself out there and applied for a job and I was not selected for interview. The job would, I believe, have suited me perfectly: based at home, choosing my hours myself, periods of busyness and periods of quiet, working with home-educating families and using my writing. I am not really qualified for it though, and so, I have not been chosen. I had given this blog as an example of my "writing voice" and have been aware of the potential of watching, reading eyes for the last few weeks: I have felt the possibility of each post being scrutinized. Now, I am finding it hard to care. I want to withdraw, to lick my wounds. Like a snail, I want to retreat into my shell and hide away. I do not want to write.
But I was reminded that I set myself clear goals for this blog and not one of them was to be a showcase for my writing for potential employment. I have lost my direction and motivation.
My first goal was to practice and experiment as a writer and that I am certainly doing. By setting myself a standard, by placing myself under close observation, I have lost the sense of writing freely. I do hope that people like my blog, and a number of you keep coming back to read more so I guess you do, but my first goal for this space was as a writing place, somewhere for me.
Secondly, I wanted to record the children's activities and achievements. I dread my posts becoming interminable "Christmas newletters", those increasingly colourful A4 sheets stuffed in with a quickly autographed card, full of every detail of every exam and activity the sender's offspring has taken part in over the year. However, I personally find it useful, at birthdays and ends-of-term, to have one place to refer to to see what we have been doing. I know that grandmas and grandpas enjoy reading the ins and outs of our lives and seeing frequent pictures of their growing grandchildren. If you are not part of my family, or a close friend, I am sure you will excuse the occasional newsletter post and perhaps will enjoy a moment to reflect on your own family's daily doings.
Certainly, looking at life through "blogging lenses" adds a different perspective, which was my third aim. Little moments take on a greater significance as I consider their humour or teaching. Time to type out what happened is time to ponder and to think about what was good and what could have been handled differently. Blogging helps me to process and, I hope, therefore to keep becoming the mum, wife, friend and person I'd like to be.
One thing that makes my life different from "the norm" is that I home educate. I only have my experience, I only have my three children, I only have my way of doing it, but it is a picture and it does work, in its own way. For those out there, like myself, navigating this unusual, outside the system, poorly understood world of taking on our children's education ourselves, my fourth goal is that I hope this blog offers ideas, thoughts, a portrait in minature of one way that it can look. Maybe it will encourage, guide, suggest, and comfort. Maybe it serves a value in highlighting what would not work for your family, but I hope that it acts a little like one route in a walk book of an area. Not the only way, but one way. My way.