Nothing to do

Right now I have nothing to do. It is an uncomfortable feeling, alive with anxiety and restlessness. Who am I if I am not defined by busyness? If I am not providing, what am I worth? It is easy to see in those around me proof that what they do is important in some way: a pay-cheque, professional clothes, a blog with a thousand readers, a public role in the church. It is not easy at the moment to see that I am important, especially when I am horrible to the children and upset them, when I am difficult to be around. I hope that one day the children I have chosen to keep out of school, to educate on a wing and a prayer, who have had to live with me day in and day out - whatever my mood - will be glad that I made this choice but they may not. They may regret what they have lacked and what I hope they are gaining may not mean as much to them. I hope that what I am doing is important but there is no guarantee.