Thursday, 28 October 2010
Back to reality
I've had a fabulous few days "off" from real life. With husband, children and dog all away at grand-parents, I have had none of life's normal responsibilities. For the last four days I have been out walking with a close friend, we have probably covered 30 miles of Surrey countryside in sunshine and pouring rain. A chance encounter with an acquaintance from a while back lifted the lid on a lot of memories and these two things combined have left me with an uneasy and disatisfied feeling, uncertain of who I am and what my life is all about. There seem to be so many different 'me's: the outdoorsy me, running and walking, quite happy in the mud and the rain; the young woman giggling over a silly joke, needing reminding that I am nearly 40 not nearly 20; the contemplative seeking peace and solitude; the professional A Level tutor; the concerned neighbour; the home ed mum and last, and sometime least, the wife. I find it hard to let myself be all these selves, to reconcile them into one, whole, human being, and to make room for all their different expressions. It feels as though there are parts of me who don't get let out so often and I wonder how I can integrate them a little better into everday life so they are part of my reality.