It's getting hard to keep up.There's the private stuff and the public stuff, the happy stuff and the sad stuff, the hard stuff and the easy stuff; there's laughter and tears, words that hurt and words that comfort. It has become harder and harder to find the time to blog, but also to work out where to draw the line between the deeply personal and the freely open. I decided to fix a regular weekly slot to post, but this week it came and went as I spent valuable time helping a little boy struggling with big emotions and changes in his life.
And home ed carries on. My younger two (I was corrected yesterday when I called them "the little ones". "Medium one" and "Biggish one" is more accurate, apparently, leaving my eldest as "Huge one"!) have received certificates for their horse-riding and stable management, and all three have been awarded swimming badges. They tried out a sports class (but didn't like it) and toured the archive of the Surrey History Centre (Where the old documents get washed in soap and water! Go figure!). My two eldest are studying for maths exams and my youngest continues in her progress to becoming a chess master! Yesterday, inspired by last week's success, we dug out the bike rack, took all five bikes to a local town and pedalled, with the dog, along the Thames Path, enjoying time outdoors and time together.
It's not all been easy though. I've been the subject of confusing and unhelpful allegations and it's taken time and energy to sort it out. I'm left feeling betrayed, hurt and judged. I don't know who made these allegations, or why and it's hard not to slip into feeling that everyone is against me, thinking things about me and condemning me. But I have to grasp hold of the simple fact that I don't know what people are thinking. Yes, someone has chosen to act on their opinion of me but that leaves everyone else who hasn't, or who doesn't hold the same opinion. I don't know how other people judge me, I don't know their minds and I cannot always look for approval, imagined or real. In the words of a dear friend who e-mailed me this week, I have searched my depths and found more truth in my life. To find your truth and live more authentically is always a great thing and I will continue to do this and try not to worry about what people think!