Around the corner

This blog has begun to feel like a burden. I know that my mother and mother-in-law and brother’s family in the US read it and keep up to date with my family. I use it as a memory-jogger when I write the children’s birthday cards or review the year. But it has begun to feel like a chore. I feel a heavy presence of an invisible readership expecting things of me, things I don’t feel like delivering right now. I crank up the pressure on myself and live in a fantasy world in which people criticize me for not doing what they want, for failing in some way, for not being as good as they expected. Perhaps I am just not as good as I expect. I would love to be a writer. Do I have the skill? I’m not sure. Right now, though, I know that I don’t have the time. My focus is called to be elsewhere. I believe that I am called, to invest all that I have and all that I am in raising my three children. Immediately, I can hear the criticism, am I a ‘helicopter parent’, hovering over my children, micro-managing every part of their lives? Am I living my life vicariously through them? Would I just not cut it in the world of employment?
A while ago, someone I trust very much told me that I needed to be a place where I was content to be forgotten, to be insignificant. Well, I don’t know about content, but I guess I’m curious to see what God might have in store for me in the secret places of obscurity. Not a position of leadership in the church, not a speaker or a writer, not most the popular or most contributing volunteer at the local community run. Doing nothing for my reputation or to influence how others will feel about me. And letting go of the blog for a while seems a part of that. I might drop in from time to time, if the mood takes me, but for now, I’m letting go of the expectations I place on myself to post regularly and I will wait to see what is around the corner.

Choir Concert

We spent yesterday afternoon at our choir concert/sing-through. We thoroughly enjoyed The Otherwise Choir last term and were disappointed (but understanding) when the end-of-term Christmas concert was cancelled. It was not possible for our beloved choir mistress to lead us this term and so we have been choir-less. Yesterday's get-together was a much belated full-stop to the term's work.
It was good to see old friends and to be re-affirmed in the community of home-edders that I am part of. We are a disparate bunch and, although we meet up at various activities occasionally and have much e-group contact, it is a heart-warming feeling to be together and participating in something communal.
Many of the choir members brought additional contributions: violin, trumpet, drama and song. It was fascinating and encouraging to me to see older children, who have never been to school, so accomplished and assured. It was fun to see the children, ranging from around 5 to 15 playing and laughing together afterwards.
My three each chose to read a poem, (my middle son, in fact, read two poems, one of which was his own compostition, and the beginning of a story he's writing,) and a number of people were kind enough to offer compliments on their performance. It was one of those moments when I have to remind myself to step back and appreciate what has happened. Through countless afternoons of tea and baking and poetry, all of my children feel comfortable with verse and confident to read aloud and I truly believe that the years of 'chapter books', the hours I have spent with them on the sofa immersed in classic children's books and more modern literature, has allowed a love of language to take root and to grow.
It is hard sometimes to see the progress made as my children learn and grow and it is occasions like Sunday afternoon when I see them shine and I can allow myself to feel that Home Ed is working for us and I am doing a good job!

Just as soon as ...

When life slows down a little, when I am through a current commitment, when I have finished a couple of projects I'm working on , I will sit down and figure out exactly what I want from this Home Ed life. I will cut out all the distractions, focus on what really matters, let go of unhealthy relationships and expectations and be clearer about what I want and need. I will spend more time just listening to my children, drawing alongside them in what they are doing, looking into their eyes, understanding their comic strips, stories and computer games. Perhaps next week? Next month? Next year?

Half Term

So often I think that this job or that will wait until half-term. My husband is a school teacher and so blessed with plenty of holidays. I think that in these holidays I will be able to catch up on all the stuff I've found hard to fit in, plus have some time to myself, plus he will be able to do a few bits and bobs around the house and, of course, we will have some time out as a family. This is quite a lot to fit in and usually I end up both tired and dissatisfied at the end of his time off. I've planned it better this week and, while I feel that I would like to have got more done, we've had a good balance of the routine and the fun. I've begun clearing the big bed in the front garden and treated myself to a magnolia bush; I've cleared my in-tray, caught up with the paperwork and finally resigned as a Breastfeeding Counsellor (I've been on Time Out for the last year); and we've been to Hampton Court Palace, the cinema and the National Gallery. Today we are off to visit my great-uncle and great-aunt and to an old school friend's pancake party. Not bad for just one week, although it didn't leave much time for blogging!

Scool's Out

I have come up with an exciting new educational philosophy! Well, to be fair, it's the old one with a new name. And the idea of giving it a new name wasn't mine, but a friend's, a witty and intelligent man I was chatting with over lunch yesterday. I was explaining to him how I can come across as flippant when discussing Home Ed. I don't mean to, I get a bit nervous, and I feel a bit silly using words like 'facilitate' and I can hear all the accusatory questions in my head as I speak. He said that what I needed was an acronym. We had previously been talking about the word 'opportunistic' and how it applied to what I feel I do with my children. I was explaining how much I liked the phrase 'conversational learning'. And we hit upon it:
Conversationally-Orientated Opportunistic Learning - COOL!
And then we improved it:
Serendipitous Conversationally-Orientated Opportunistic Learning - SCOOL!
So, all I need to say is that I follow the SCOOL philosophy. I'm sure that will put an end to all those tricky questions!

Celebration

At the end of last term, I was left with a feeling of rushing towards the Christmas holidays and kind of collapsing into it. I didn't feel that I took the time to reflect with the children on all that they had done, or celebrate it. I made a note in my planner to do it differently next time and, with the half-term break next week, I set this afternoon aside for 'Celebration and Reflection'. I wasn't quite sure what I meant by this, but this is what we did.
We made muffins (what else!), a little early for Valentine's Day, but yummy nonetheless.

We filed any bits and bobs of written work into the large, years' files I keep (there wasn't a lot, which felt discouraging) and then we sat down with tea and candles and my planner and talked over what we'd done, making a note of it as we went. Soon the list was bigger than the box I'd begun it in: French, copy-writing, science kits, ice-skating, new friends, poetry tea-times, read-alouds and more. We rounded off with one 'old-favourite' poem each.

We were all surprised at how much we had actually achieved in these dark, cold, and energy-deficient weeks. Comparing the list to the objectives I had set for the whole term, I could see that we are well on track in almost all areas and a little bit more getting out of the house in March will see us through. Taking the time to reflect gave us something to celebrate and marked another milestone on our journey.

Am I In Control?

The subject of my children's social lives has been occupying my thoughts in the last week or so and I have been thinking about whether their needs for friends are being met and what I can do if I feel that they are not.
In the last four days, my little girl has been out on a swimming trip with her god-parents, had two friends (sisters) round to play when they came over with their dad for Sunday tea and is currently upstairs with the 'new' girl who just moved in across the road. Tomorrow, another Home Ed family is coming for lunch, with three little girls of around my daughter's age. The first three of these I had no part in initiating. The mum coming tomorrow was introduced to me by a mutual friend and, again, I had no part in causing this to happen.
I find it tricky to balance taking control and going with the flow, but I am reminded this week that I don't have to do it all, that God does answer prayers and I can let go and let things unfold.