Another Schedule

Life is going faster than I am. Having just had a three week Easter holiday, I still feel behind and overwhelmed. I have not yet had the time to look over my daughter's term's work with her and the list of things to do which has been stressing me since Christmas, which I had slated for this long break, is unlooked-at and undiminished. I don't want to live with this constant feeling of playing catch-up and hearing myself tell the children that they need to go faster. I want our lives to be fun, relaxed, pleasantly purposeful and still full of learning opportunities.
My best friend has just moved in with us and how our week will look now very much involves her. We sat down together this afternoon and planned out the term. It is hard for me to let go of control, to accept that someone else's ideas - different ideas - might work, might, in fact, be better than my own, but we have come up with a plan. One to be typed up neatly and perhaps even laminated. It is only for eight weeks - the eight short weeks before we declare school's out and head off on our summer holidays.
We are going to finish off the maths syllabus with each child and read a chapter book every day. I want to read the books for the Imperial War Museum exhibition and will also try a maths book and the Boys' Book of Survival. She will take them out cycling and I will lead art and free-writing once a week. My eldest will be expected to do six lots of half-an-hour personal and unsupervised study each week as well as getting an afternoon of maths tuition. I will have time to run during the day and go to a mid-week service at church.
It's hard to let someone else in and I find it hard to let someone else help. Despite often feeling run ragged by the demands of life I don't like the feeling that I am not doing it all, that I am not indispensable. Sharing so much of my life, something that I am so used to doing alone, will take some adjustment but I am excited about what bringing in free ideas, fresh insight and fresh energy will mean for us and the way home ed looks in this home.

Easter Weekend

The weather has been beautiful and I have made a conscious effort to relax and allow this Bank Holiday to feel like a holiday. We had plenty of chocolate and a Simnel Cake,

an Easter Eggstravagansa in the garden,
and breakfast in the sunshine this morning.

We spent today at another National Trust property, admiring works of art, sunbathing while the children played and following an Easter Egg Trail. And, of course, we had tea and cake. It's been fun, it's been a break, and it's been good to spend extended time together.

Chartwell

My husband has been off work for nearly three weeks, on his Easter break, yet somehow it has not felt like much of a holiday. I have been lucky enough to be out walking for quite a bit, two days from home and three days away, and he has worked hard tutoring, which really enjoys (honestly!) and brings in some money to spend on fun things. I didn't quite finish everything last term that I wanted to and haven't quite wrapped it all up over the holiday so there has never been that sense of an end of term and the beginning of something different. With my mother's unexpected ill health last week, it has all felt quite a rush.
But not this weekend. I have made a decision to take this long, double-bank holiday weekend to really be a holiday. We spent the day at Chartwell yesterday, walking in the woods, exploring the history of Winston Churchill's home and experiencing life as a slightly different-shaped family.

Stay Day

It was an idea conceived in early November and, after months of discussion, prayer, doubts and reasurance, it finally came into being - unexpectedly suddenly at the last - on Monday: my best friend has moved in and become part of our family.

We have been through some rough weather, literally, emotionally and in life's events, but there has been a lot more sunshine.
We got home late from our walking trip to the Peaks on Monday night and, after conferring with the children on Tuesday, decided to celebrate as soon as possible. Chocolate cake was duly baked for breakfast consumption - elevating this event to the status of a birthday - and we sang "Happy Stay Day". Even the builders got a slice (which will hopefully energise them to finish the garage conversion, giving us all a little more space) and we are looking forward to this new chapter in all our lives.

Peak District

Tired legs, sunburnt nose, refreshed outlook - good trip.

Reassurance

I like to be told that I am doing the right thing. The more anxious I feel, the more I seek the approval and reassurance of others. Was I right to go down to my mother's, leaving my husband to hold the fort and look after the children on his own during his holiday? Was I right to leave my mum in a hospital bed and come home? Am I right to be packing my walking gear and catching a train to the Peak District for a weekend away with my best friend? Whatever I do, I feel as if it is probably wrong and that I am not looking after my children, husband, mother, step-father orself as well as I should. One of my many prayers yesterday was that God's provision for me would include guidance and boundaries. It was clear to me that I needed to be with my step-father as he made the trip he had dreaded, into a nursing home. There were tasks to be done in my mum's house to leave it ready for her absence and it was important to spend time with her, comforting her, listening to her and reassuring her that her dearly-loved husband was safe. It also became clear that there was nothing more that I could do and it was ok for me to come home: in fact, I was exhausted and needed to. I am looking forward to being away, to the open spaces and freedom from admin and chores that come with walking and camping, and I am looking forward to grown-up time with my best friend, free from responsibility. I get cross that I seek so much reassurance and approval and think that I should make my decisions and stick by them. However, this just adds to the sense of not getting it right. Instead I made a choice yesterday that I would just notice this tendency and I would observe how it felt. I would not stop myself telling the lady from Social Services that I did not want to be the kind of daughter that people thought didn't visit enough; I would not stop myself telling my son's friend's mother that I feel guilty about leaving today; I would not even stop myself from telling my mother that I felt bad about leaving her. Of course, I am hoping in each of these situations that the other person will tell me that what I am doing is ok and that they do not think badly of me. I hope that in noticing but not getting frustrated or trying to force myself to change I will be being kind to myself and, in loving myself more, will gradually lose the need to get validation from other people.

Still waiting

I left my mother today, still in hospital and still waiting for tests. There is nothing I can do to help her and she is surrounded by an incredible and loving church community who have held her through some bad times in recent years and I know will hold her and help her through this one. I took her husband to a nursing home this morning where he has been admitted for six weeks' respite care. It was hard for me to say goodbye to him, knowing how much he did not want to leave his home. It seems cruel, knowing how little time he and my mother may have left together. All I can do is trust in those around them that they will both be well-cared for; that the tests will reveal the cause of mum's collapse so that the doctors can begin to treat her; and that my loving heavenly father is their's too and is holding us all.